It's been quite a while since I've posted on here, so I'll try to catch up. I've been kinda busy.

• I've been playing guitar like crazy. Took guitar lessons by A.J. Minette of (lead guitarist of The Human Abstract) this summer. And am now taking them at school.
• I taught creative writing and worked as a camp counselor at Howe Military School this summer. It was incredibly fun. Met some great people.
• I protested with Occupy Wallstreet.
• I met an awesome girl.
• I read some awesome books.
• I learned so much.

And that's about all there is to it.

Just breathe!

I just need to relax.

I've been on an odd wavelength since I finished reading Orwell's 1984. It's shocking how much a good book can affect someone.

School is getting a little stressful, especially since some of my grades are hovering around a C and I really need to pull it together to move them up. I've been taking Spanish the semester and it's actually pretty tough. Memorizing all the vocabulary and forming sentences is the hardest part, but my professor is pretty cool. He's an sarcastic old hispanic guy from New Orleans and he calls people out; it's pretty funny.

This semester has pretty much been a cake walk for the most part. I'm going to have to buckle down in all my classes since its around the end of the semester. If I can't cut it on an easy semester, I sure as hell wouldn't cut it next semester.

I'll be taking classes in ALL my academic weaknesses: Algebra, Spanish II, and Biology.

On a lighter note, I've been working on a memoir. It's not particularly practical literature considering that memoir is the hardest to get people interested in (I think), but its coming along. I've come to realize that I've got a barrier in writing that I need to break: I can only write when I've got a deadline.

This is a real problem considering that I won't always have deadlines to keep me motivated. When I graduate, I will have to be completely self-motivated. Sometimes I wish someone would hold a gun to my head or tell me I have cancer so that I'd be forced into a creative frenzy.

I finally pulled myself from this rut that I was struggling in for the past few weeks. I grew a beard, and coincidentally, I felt like shit. I'm not sure if having a face full of itchy, multi-colored, hair had anything to do with it, but it certainly made me feel dirty and ugly. So in hindsight, yeah, it probably did.

Gotta look good to feel good right?

Anyway, workin on this new thing: keeping myself going.

The Crazed

There's a door in a wall that leads us to insanity
We stand with knives to kill what comes in
The beings behind it are mindless killers
They mass-produce each other
Kill for money, smile with their hand in your pocket
They love guns and forming groups that claim to be for good
These beasts wear suits and collared shirts
They're relentless in their efforts
They'll eat your soul and charge your card, with tax.

But me and my brothers guard the door
We stand with chains and bats
Blades, to tear the crazy ones
Apart so we can live the lives that we've always wanted to live
We smile and greet, they judge our eyes
They judge our feet
Our words fall on deaf ears, and our fist
We raised in desperation, they cut us at the hips
And we're slowly bleeding out
Then we'll fall into shallow holes under plastic graves
And a strong wind will find us, and move us
To the alleyways , where the rats of reason
Will eat our eyes.

The Selfish One

I found an angel in the city
We moved in sync like the gears in this masterfully crafted clock
It didn't take long for us to fall in love, everything matched
We read each others minds
I'm a selfish one, I make you laugh so that I can see your smile
And your blues eyes reflect the sunlight, that obviously hovers in my favor
When we separated for a single night or two, you had to leave the city for your smart and witty job
I lied in wait in a forest green sleeping bag when your signal crossed the sea
Pushed the light green button to hear a quietly weeping angel
She relayed the doctors word:
"Your legs are going soon."
She asked me if I cared that she'd be wheeling around the house
If I'd help her when the spokes snap and her wheel's caught in a crack
Or when the brakes just don't slow her down
She asked if I'd commit, to loving her regardless, absolutely
We read each others minds, yet we cannot read our own
Replying with a stare, she knew in the silent part of her that I only vowed with panic
Fear of loss, fear of regret, fear of hating myself
I am a selfish one
As the next two weeks passed, her legs began to go
A single wrapped bandage quickly turned into three, then seven, and then there were none
My angel no longer had her wings and my test for love had just begun
I walked her through the park, every day at noon, to revive the smell of Fall
She looks up at me and smiles, but she doesn't show her teeth
She's reading my mind again, she knows this act is hard
I return a smile and she returns her gaze to the pattern of concrete passing underneath her
I get up earlier than I would, to make you breakfast for a while
I mail your letters to the boss that let you go
I hope you sleep in late, so I can do the same
I wish this never happened..No, I love my flightless angel..regardless
Absolutely
I, I, I, I
I am a selfish one
Your wheel was caught in cracks, I freed you, with a sigh
Your spokes snapped in half, to test my love
And I stared to death on the drive for more
Every day, your midday eyes slowly turned downward
Disappointed in your situation; this tortured servant that was only bound by vows
It's been 3 years and I haven't seen your teeth in ages, your smiles never crack
And I can never make you laugh
My angel is a human, and I am a selfish one
And when I left my angel, we read each others minds
She knew that I loved her, but hated this
And I knew she felt the same
So no words were exchanged
I left my angel in the city, with a rocky sidewalk park
Rusty, broken, wheels
And vows made in vain
I am a selfish one.

Untitled

I shut the sunlight out, wooden blinds
Blind me from the world outside
Submerging in myself, I stare to darkness
My eyes bare the gifts of silence as I gaze, into outlets on the wall
Relying on recycled insight
And the passing time, that will eventually allow me to forget
It will allow me to forget, until the sunlight comes again.

My Sweet Milay

My beginning has finally arrived
I've been awakened by a siren, singing her love for me
The beginning of my wonderfully, perfect, life has finally opened itself unto me
I've found this lovely lady, her name is Milay
She looks me in the eyes when I'm speaking my mind
She replies with words of accuracy and meaning, and they all make sense to me
I ask her what she wants to do, and she answers with the same question
I tell her stories, she laughs or gasps whenever needed
I tell her jokes and she laughs whole-heartedly, without a single clue of transparency
She looks me in the eyes
We smile to each other between constantly agreeable conversations
My issues with reality, with living, and life; she understands them completely
I think I love this person, I think this person loves me
My angel, Milay
She's unquestionably the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, in my mind and through my eyes

To her I am a wretch
I am a sad and riddled boy who could not love such a woman
She is my goddess and she's enthroned on a golden altar that she's built herself
Not a slave, servant, or holy disciple will follow her into darkness
No fool more foolish than I
I've trusted this con artist with my wallet and watch
To her, I am pitiful
I am hopeful and wishing
She knows she is too good, she knows she deserves better
She is beautiful, open, and interesting
But she's a god damned harlot
She is the victim of this viciously scattered mess of emotions
She tells me that she's never loved me, that I'm not her type
I'm angered, but pleased
A delusional duality of emotions enslave my painful expressions
I am angered at the thought of someone less than I, being the one she wants
I am pleased by the doom that will spawn itself unto her, by her own accord
I am angered that she couldn't see what I had to offer
I am pleased that I knew before it was way too late
I am angered that she lives with such delusions of grandeur
I am pleased, that my own delusions, are what keep me safe from the invisible, flying, demons of others
She will drown in despair
There will be no hope for her
Not a single wave of strength or beauty will grace her wrinkled face after she's lived her long and miserable chain of days that ties itself together with cigarettes that shrivel her lungs into tiny prunes of muscles.
I will be in the grace of God while she burns beneath me in the righteous flame
I will stand, indignant, on the cliff side, watching the sea of the tormented sway with the volcanic winds of plague
My dear, sweet, Milay
You're a thousand times more appealing to my eye, now that you're where you belong.
Burn, my sweet angel. Take residence in the furnace that warms you to the core, through all your sickly skin.

I Felt Like Rhyming

Our sky stands divided, such as the waters of our ocean, and the rock we've shaped
To accommodate, our common ways of living
Therein lies the windows to our minds, sometimes shut and locked
In darkness they disguise
Rousing selves as lightless gaps, no air can even breathe
It's hard to stay on solid ground, when holes reside beneath
Windows of realities, bend and twist inside
All different than each others, we've closed our fragile eyes
Open up your windows, let your insides breathe
Because the box that closes tightly is the box that no one sees
There are no rules to life and death, so live the way you please